A Brief History of Music Composition (and Identity)
2017-2018
My composition story can be traced back to 2017, when I was a freshman and just started practing writing simple melody. I moved from my hometown to Oregon, the place I attended college and explore my gender expressions. In 2018, I declared my major in political science and later minors in music performance and education. I also took my first music theory class and piano lesson at the music department of my university.
2019-2020
This year witnessed my progression in music training. I bagan studying classical guitar with Dr. Cameron O’Connor in the music department, while also attending one-on-one lessons on piano and voice, along with the university choir where I served as a member of bass section.
My first composition also emerged inJanuary, 2019, with the help from my friend Chris Rorrer, a talented cellist. My first album, Maple Tree, was released in the same year, along with Fantasy and Dynasty.
It was also during the college that I explored my gender expression, and gradually developed my gender identity.
2021
After graduating from my college, I went back to my hometown in China and taught English lessons.
However, things did not went smoothly at first. I hesitated when I saw the “gender” section in my job application form. I did not think “male”describe my identity well, but I did not know what to put. It took me 20 minutes to fill out that single section. In the end, I had to put on my sex assigned at birth, which I do not think that captured who I am.
The second problem arose when I chose to “crossdress” in my workplace. I was caught in my thrid attempt by the HR manager, who told me not to dress differently. Feeling frustrated, soon I left my job and decided to go back to the US for graduate school. This time, it was California.
In 2021, I met Mr. Vasil Chekardzhikov, an outstanding guitarist who became my new guitar teacher.
2022
I ended up further advancing my knowledge in political science. And my workplace discrimination experience made me questioned myself who I am.
It was also during 2022, my gender identity as a transgender woman was fully developed, so too my gender dysphoria. Thus, I officially started my medical and social tansition.
In 2022, I launched several albums: Princess is Back, Classical Guitar City Series, Miss Sika, Glimpse, etc. Specifically, the Classical Guitar City Series collects several original guitar compositions that describe my perception (and imagination) of American cities. Some of the composition were performed by Pan and Mr. Vasil Chekardzhikov at Riverside City College(RCC) in 2022. I also participated in the RCC Guitar Ensemble several times.
2023: Trauma?
2023 was one of the most productive years in my music life. I made one or two guitar arrangement for some film music, while also composed several guitar and instrumental music, including my Guitar Concerto No. 1 in E minor: Perfume and Guitar Sonata No. 1 in E minor: Daisy. Before I left the US, I also attended multiple guitar competitions in California and won the third place in the RCC guitar competition of 2023.
However, life became bitter when I went back to China in May for personal reasons. I experienced employment discrimination against my transgender identity and therefore was not able to secure a position. Things worsened when my parents “caught” my gender expression.
Feeling furious and upset, my dad threw my pills and clothing, took my wallet, passport, and IDs. My mom blamed me for “losing [their] face.” Back then, I received my Ph.D offer, but I was almost unable to come to the US (they did not return my passport until July 6th, whereas the school started on August 28th. Fortunately, my student visa was still valid so that I did not need to apply for a new one). During that period, I had some thoughts of commiting suicide, but I did not put them into practice, as I was too afraid of the pain it could bring.
After landing in the US for several months, sometimes I still had nighmares and flashbacks. It took me a couple of therpist visits to recover from that traumatic summer experience.
But I kept writing music. Woman was my response to social discrimination against transgender individuals, while Guitar Sonata No. 1 in E minor: Daisy described both tense and warm moments in Summer. Later in July, I started writing her first Suite for guitar and flute, A Dream of Thames Town (and finished in December),consisting seven movements that were performed by Mr. Vasil Chekardzhikov and his colleague at Riverside City College in 2023 and 2024.
2024: Moving forward
Since relocated in Washington, DC, I actively working on her Ph. D in political science, focusing on LGBTQ+ politics and attitude change towards transgender people, while also keep composing music.
In January, Mr. Vasil Chekardzhikov and his colleague performed the last two movements from my Thames Town Suite in Amercian Guitar Society.
I am currently working on my new album: Carlilyn, and my second guitar concerto, Guitar Concerto No. 2 in A minor: Carolyn. The concerto is written for Carolyn, my partner and the designer of my website logo. And of course, she is the most fantastic, elegant, exquisite woman I have ever met in my life. She is one in a million.
I Love You, Carolyn.
Zhuoye Pan